Control

It is amazing how God does things sometimes. Sometimes doesn't quite cut it I know. God is good.....all the time, as the song goes. But, how He does things through even the worst circumstances is what amazes me.
You hear stories of people who have made it through war, torture, death, or violent crime and they still praise God. How they can do that, I do not know. He reveals Himself in these situations we may not always understand. But, God does something in them or through them that has brought change in those coming against them. And God heals them in the process.

My story today is nothing like that. No, not even remotely close to that. But, God has shown me something that was brought about in an ungodly situation. The details do not matter, but God used someone else to show me something that I did not want to admit. Suffice to say, it is a sin in me that was caused by sin done to me. It never really hit me that I did what I did in quite the way it was shown to me. I'm not quite sure how I didn't see it before. I actually thought I had but I didn't. God used a sin to reveal sin. I was amazed.

I'm not quite sure where to go with it. I know how it has affected my life. But, so have many other things. This is but one issue in a myriad of issues. Does that mean if I change, or rather allow God to change this in me that the other issues will resolve themselves? Call me skeptical. If anyone can change things, it is God. The problem is two-fold: Will I let God change me? Do I want God to change things?

Right now.....I don't know.

Until next time,
RSPSSunny

The Hardest Question To Answer

Why me?

If there is any question that is harder to answer on this earth, I have yet to hear it. Because there is no answer for it.

Yes, we will go through trials on this earth. But who can answer the 'Why Me?' question to a girl in Cambodia who has just been "sold" by her parents so they can have money for food? Or the young mother in Haiti crying as she holds yet another dying child in her arms. And the parents in America, whose child has been diagnosed with cancer, hearing those words from the innocent eyes of their precious 7 year old.

Why me?

(I almost can't continue here. My heart breaks thinking about it.)

I write this post because it's something I've struggled with. I've heard this question many times before and I don't know how to answer it. It is easy to come up with a "spiritual" answer. God is with us through it all. God will take what Satan meant for evil and turn it around for His good. He does not allow us to go through anything more than we can bear. But, do those really answer the question?

Yes and no.

Yes in that those are in fact based on scripture. Truth should bring comfort right?

But no, because it doesn't change the circumstances. Trials, storms, struggles, challenges, whatever you call them, are not easy. Even with God, we are all human, with human thoughts and emotions. As such, we can often grow weary in having to go through the same hard times day after day after day. We may get a temporary respite in looking or thinking of someone worse off than us. But, the reality is, that doesn't change our circumstance.

What is the answer then?

There is no answer.

Life challenges happen. For whatever reason, there are things that happen just because it's life. They don't have to be that way but we live in a fallen and broken world. We live in a world where people put themselves first before God. And if a people put themselves before God, what kind of world should we expect to live in?

Truth be told, I am as guilty as anyone else. I have put my own wants, needs and desires before God. All Christians are guilty of this. We're sinners.

Does that mean we are at fault when bad things happen in this world or to us? I'm not so dumb as to presume and say as such. Does it contribute? Perhaps. But to say the answer to the "Why Me?" question is our own fault would be absurd.

I honestly don't know how to answer that question. I just don't.

I will say this though. I'd rather go through life asking the 'Why Me?' question WITH God than without Him.

((NOTE: I typed my thoughts exactly as I was thinking them. Please forgive me if any of this feels random. I do not want to edit when I post. That way you know exactly what I'm thinking....more genuine that way.))

Until next time,
RSPSSunny

Remembering 9/11

The phone rang. Odd, as it was fairly early in the morning. It wasn't odd that I was awake though. Having a three week old baby at home will do that to you.
He was our last child. A nearly ten year gap between our last two kids, Gage was a "promise fulfilled". Three weeks earlier, he almost didn't make it. One week overdue to deliver, I was admitted to the hospital to be induced. Taking a little longer than anticipated, assistance was given to break my water. And with that, so did everything else inside. Only problem was, the cord was wrapped around Gage's neck. Any pushing on my part would have strangled him.
Rushing me quickly to the emergency room, a Caesarean section was performed and Gage made it into this 'wonderful' world.

This 'wonderful' world that a short three weeks later would be forever changed on 9/11.

When I picked up the phone it was my husband calling me from work. He had taken the first two weeks off after Gage's birth to help me out. Now feeling well enough on my own, and us now provider for three kids, he was back at work for week three. He had called to check on me before so the fact he called wasn't surprising. The time of day however, was.

Turning the television on at his request, I was numb.

Nothing could explain what I was watching. Nothing could explain that second plane.

You could say it was post-partum depression or "baby blues" but my non-stop tears were mixed with an overwhelming sense of awe. Awe at what was happening right before my very eyes. Lives lost, changed, not only here in America but around the world. This wasn't some movie or television show. This was a reality show/horror movie that we could not change the channel or press the STOP button. This was real.

Tears of another kind flowed that morning. The crying of a baby waking up, wet and hungry. Gage was awake. My precious bundle brought me quickly to another reality. Motherhood.

The entire day is somewhat of a blur now. I remember where I was when my husband called. I remember what I was wearing. I even remember calling my friend at work to see if she had heard about what happened. (She had not.) But when your baby calls you, focus and priorities change.

Even typing that brings me pause.....when your baby calls you.

How many mothers and fathers lost their children on 9/11? Did they call out for their moms and dads in those last few moments of their lives?

And how many children lost their parents on 9/11? Did they call out for their mom or dad when told of their deaths? Do they still?

I held Gage a little closer that day. This precious baby brought into what had been a 'wonderful' world only three weeks earlier now living in an uncertain future. Or so I thought.

Gage turned 10 just a few weeks back. The 10th anniversary of 9/11 is tomorrow. Rememberances and tributes flood news websites and telelvision shows. It has all brought the memories back to me of that day I just recalled above. This weekend, I will hold him a little closer just like 10 years ago. If he'l let me.

My experience that day IN NO WAY compares to what those directly affected have gone through these last 10 years or will this weekend. As I did that day for them and whenever they've crossed my mind in these last 10 years, I will do again this weekend: Pray.

Until next time,
RSPS Sunny

p.s. I felt compelled to write this post today. The words were flowing so I know that God wanted me to write this. As I stated in my previous post, I will only write when God tells me to. So, it may be awhile before I write again. Then again, it could be tomorrow. Only God knows.

Do Not Write

I'm not ignoring you.

Really, I'm not.

I have tried and tried over the last several weeks to post something new. Every time I think I have an idea to write about, I don't take the initiative to start typing. If I have started, invariably I get a few sentences down and have to stop. It's not so much that the creative juices stop flowing. But rather, I have to stop and check my heart.

My heart (my motives) are not always right and pure. Often I think what I start blogging about is something "someone else in this world" needs to hear. How prideful is that statement?

And so, I'm going to TRY and post things that I know I have done with a pure heart. It may still come across as prideful to some but at least I will know that if I have a pure heart then it's truly God-inspired.

So if I don't post for awhile, please pray for me. I love to write. But for the purposes of this blog, I have to make sure that what I write is what God wants me to write. There's enough Christians in this country doing a not-so-very-good job of being like Christ. I don't want to be
like that.

So...

Until next time,
RSPSSunny